(My first travel essay from Cuba, enjoy!)

“Taxi?” From the moment you step off the plane in Havana, it is hard to miss the rows of old American cars constantly waiting to deliver you to your destination and to charge more CUCs (convertible Cuban pesos) than would cost a traditional Cuban citizen. Our Cuban tour guide for the 3 week trip kindly explains how it is smarter for Cubans to work around tourists because tips are the only way to expand the standard salary. Because of the age of the cars and the lack of materials available in Cuba, the taxis seem to fall apart frequently and significantly.

This reality of constant taxi maintenance becomes even more evident my second night in Havana. I sat on the porch of my homestay, boxed in to the aged iron fences, unnoticeably observing the early Friday evening on the streets. The neighbors across the street pulled up in 2 rusted, red and white taxis. The presumable father got out of the first car with frustrated angst. The twenty-something son got out of the second car obviously anxious about the coming events. The pair walked around to the back passenger door of the first taxi. It was unclear at first what was happening as both men stood back and stared at the door, puzzled, for two whole minutes. The son then got the idea to open the door. Once the latch caught significantly, it became apparent that the door was broken, preventing high paying tourists from getting in and consequently preventing an inflow of money. After struggling to open the door for a challenging fifteen to twenty seconds, the father then shut the door again, proceeding to stare confusedly once again for an extended time. Their looks obviously were not fixing the problem, so the two began the battle of opening and closing the ineffective door, continuing in this venture for almost eight minutes.

Suddenly, as quick as the flip of a light switch, the son realized the second taxi door was exactly the same as the broken one, allowing them to compare the two and find the broken piece. With delight in their eyes, they evaluated the working door in comparison to the other door that now consumed almost thirty minutes of their evening. Seeing that a fairly large piece of the latch was sticking out and getting caught in the hole of the latch, the father went inside the house to rummage through the family’s belonging and find something to aid the rogue piece. I watched the joy in the son’s face as the father left for those moments, wondering what his thoughts were as he solved the family crisis and allowed for another day of driving in the heat and collecting much needed funds. But for as slow as he had figured the process out, he moved on fairly quickly, beginning to kick rocks in the street while he awaited the return of his father. Returning with a decent amount of rope, the father worked with the son for another ten to fifteen minutes to conceal the large part that previously stuck by tying it to the door with the rope and got the door back to fair working condition.

When they finished, both of them hopped back into the taxis and headed off to keep working for the night. Their leaving left me alone on the street, pondering the events that just occurred. I had read before about the Cuban concept of resolver. I first understood resolver as a sense of adaptability or resourcefulness, forcing you to use what you have to fix problems. It makes sense that Cubans don’t have access to an AutoZone or Pepboys to simply run by and pick up parts for broken taxi doors. However, through witnessing the manner in which the neighbors addressed their issue, I realized resolver is more than a lack of materials or tools. Rather, it is a way to approach the process of problem solving along every step of the way, from recognition to solution. Just like a home-cooked Cuban dinner, the process cannot be rushed.

Resolver offers more than just the quick fix because it allows you to see strength and perseverance through solving the problem. After watching the neighbors fix their car, it occurred to me that it may take longer than the three weeks I have here to pick up this resolver thinking. As the problem began to unfold, I tried to imagine what I would do, as if my broken Spanish and extremely logical reasoning would be of some help to these strangers from my enclosed iron fence view. My approach was immediately faulty as I realized my first step in problem solving would be either to take a picture and ask my parents for help over text message or Google common issues with door handles. Those options are invalidated by Cuba through the lack of telecommunication services. Already, my plan prohibits my ability to see the whole problem without jumping to immediate conclusions and rushed solutions.

Sometimes the fast-action American lifestyle can distort our view of problems and the resulting solutions. Slowing down is a blessing. Taking the time to kinesthetically feel the problem for what it is before jumping to action only helps the situation. Cubans seem to instinctively have this patient resourcefulness and adaptability passed down through generations. Maybe if I unplug long enough to truly witness the experiences around me like that second night in Havana, I can learn a piece of it, too.

“This is Cuba.” A phrase frequently used on my 3 week journey to Cuba to describe the flexibility and lack of logic throughout our trip. It really became comical. The power went out randomly for entire days at my home-stay in Havana. Our bus, holding all 27 students and our luggage, broke down for4 hours on our way to Playa Giron, and again going to Santa Clara, delaying us an entire day. We got soaking wet right as we approached the steps of El Morro, the open-air castle defending Cuba’s eastern coast from pirates. We waited an hour and a half in the baking sun to exchange our American dollars into Cuban convertible pesos (CUCs) because Cuban banks only allow 3 people in the building at a time. A tarantula was casually centimeters away from my legs as a group of us sit in the cool night breeze in Santa Clara. This is Cuba.

I knew my May Experience Trip would be far out of my comfort zone. Going to Cuba with 26 people I did not know, taking a class in a department I’ve never experienced, right before the most influential decision-making year of my life was all intentional. What I didn’t expect was the most clear experience of God’s love and grace that I have felt in my 20 years of life thus far. There’s something about Cuban people. The way they care for others, the way they constantly relax sitting on the side of the road for hours, the way they love Americans. It all adds up to the most beautiful picture of my God, yet they don’t even know Him. It’s overwhelmingly heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time. I’d like to believe I successfully shared the light of God while I was there, but I guess we can never be sure. But maybe that’s the point of faith.

The 3 week time slot seemed perfect at first, as it allowed for my return to the States and start of full time work for church for two and a half months before senior year starts. But I could’ve stayed in Cuba forever, struggling with my out-of-reach Spanish skills and painfully noticeable pale skin (at least pale in comparison to native Cuban citizens). God put a spark in my heart for this place and all of the faith, inquiry, patience, pride, and love it taught me. That simply cannot be captured in a picture or essay.

I can only hope my return to America will bring a new translation of our oh-so-common phrase from the trip. I can say “this is Cuba” as I serve others before myself like my Havana host-mom, Myrna. I can say “this is Cuba” when life takes an unexpected turn and it doesn’t raise my blood pressure like the unplanned stay in Bayamo after the bus breakdown. I can say “this is Cuba” in the process of asking difficult questions as I fill out seminary applications in the coming weeks, just like the Catholic and African religion tours throughout the country taught me.

When I think of Cuba, I think of the Needtobreathe song, “Washed by the Water.” The beautiful ballad has always had a place in my heart, but now it seems to mean even more to me. It perfectly sums up the challenge and the promise that Cuba stands for. Cuba brought the challenges of questioning communism and socialism in comparison to my all-too-familiar capitalism, as well as the challenge of describing the importance of God to a country who has never really experience Him before. But most importantly, Cuba brought the promise that God’s heart follows you wherever you go. Even when your plans get ruined or the power goes out or you struggle to have answers to difficult questions, God’s promise is prevailing. This is Cuba.

It’s funny now. When I first booked 3 planes flights within 4 weeks of each other, I thought I was being clever and proactive. To be fair, I am unbelievably grateful to have had the opportunity to go visit my top 3 seminaries. And to be even more fair, I can name that I was crazy for putting them all so close together and in the middle of the semester and right around oratorio week. Nonetheless, I thought I knew what I was getting myself into. I was going to visit these schools so I can get a handle on who they are, how they do ministry, and to what extent I fit in with them. Jokes on me. Not saying that I didn’t learn that information in the process, but saying that I learned so much more than that.

Through all of the travel difficulties of arriving to each of these locations across the country (everything from wing dents and overweight planes to dead shuttles and rental cars at alternate airports), God was teaching me patience. I am early in the process of looking at grad schools, and I knew that going in. But in order to successfully look at these schools so early (in conjunction with my overactive planning mind), God knew some additional work would be required.Transportation was only the beginning.

Of the journey to 3 schools in 3 separate parts of the country, I successfully and entirely changed the order in which I saw my fit for seminary. Each school moved up or down in accordance with a multitude of factors, including but not limited to: student interactions, faculty and staff conversations, professor engagement, community connectivity, academic rigor, geographical location, and (furthest from my personality) genuine feeling of fit. I learned to ask questions. I learned to observe. I learned to respectfully speculate. I learned what calling really means.

But out of all that I experienced, I learned the most about myself. I figured out how to accurately describe my call. I experienced the emphasis of doing life in community, especially in the schooling that shapes your future career. I found a place that I thought I would love, when really I did not fit in with the program at all. And I found a place that rose from the dead bottom of my list to the very top. I had formative conversations with my parents about my perspective on the visits and how I see myself in grad school and future. Most effectively, I learned more about myself than I even learned about the programs I was there to see.

I think these trips were God’s funny way of forcing me to slow down (ironically by making me speed up and make my schedule even busier). But without the opportunity to “try these schools on,” I would have gone into my applications with an incredibly skewed vision. Without the chance to visit Texas, California, and New Jersey, I would have missed out on experiencing a part of me that I never knew was there. So I hear you, God. Jokes on me. From here on out, it’s His plan and I am just along for the ride.

With all that this year has brought to me so far, I find myself overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed with experiences, knowledge, circumstances, and, most recently, opportunities. The way I see it, this all comes down to two options of how to handle this “overwhelmed state.” Option 1: Freeze up. Refuse to absorb any of the information at your finger tips. Simply hide in the “safety” of trying to stay where you are, not moving forward or backward. Option 2: Seize the opportunity. Choose an attitude of thankfulness for the chance to learn and grow through life.

Obviously, option 2 makes the most sense. And from the outside, it seems relatively easy. But something about this stage in life, and possibly the rest of my life as I am coming to learn, doesn’t make this option easy. There is so much happening/changing/blowing up at once that it is too much to take in at one time. I sat down last night after being overwhelmed in an apartment search for summer housing and decided to officially take option 2, regardless of the difficulty presented. This morning as I begin to tackle my day and the achievable line items on my to do list, I already feel as though option 2 is farther away. Now that I recognize the potential in front of me, however, I realize it is too important to waste.

Yes, there is a lot I do not know at the moment. I do not know all of the details of what I am looking for in a seminary or how the 3 trips I have planned in the next 6 weeks will play out. I do not know how to successfully find a 3 month lease apartment in Greenville so that I can work this summer. I do not know why I thought it was a good idea to take 20 credit hours and join an extra ensemble, or even how to appropriately manage my time from here to fulfill the duties I now find in my lap. BUT, all of these situations are chances I have to learn. In the next 2 months, I get to try my hand at all of these vastly important life skills. Like a child thrown into a pool, I have no option but to learn to swim. So this is my running statement of choice. I refuse to let this “overwhelming state” in life get the best of me. I refuse to let option 1 creep into my consideration. I am going to figure these skills out, one day at a time, one decision at a time. And most importantly, I am going to let my faith be the strong foundation that keeps me grounded when I get lost or confused or overwhelmed. When in doubt or uncertainty or fear, I am so thankful I do not have to do this alone.

As I babysat 2 small children last night (6 and 2 years old), I received the greatest gift. We were watching an episode of “Paw Patrol,” an interesting show about a team of puppies saving their town from various issues, when Conner (the 6 year old) got up. As the puppies were repairing Santa’s sleigh so that Christmas wouldn’t be ruined for the whole world because of a vicious blizzard, Conner got so excited he just couldn’t sit anymore. He proceeded to jump around the living room and say, “sometimes I just get so excited that I can’t sit still anymore!” While I laughed at first, I then had to think. When was the last time I was so excited about anything that I couldn’t sit down? Yes, I’ve been excited about things recently. I am excited for a break. I am excited to have successfully completed the business block. I am excited that my whole family will be together for Christmas. I am excited for so many of the things coming up in the next semester. But am I excited enough that I can’t sit?

So why is that? I have more than enough reason to be filled with joy this season. I think it comes down to choice. Unfortunately, I haven’t been very good about choosing joy. We are told in 1 Thessalonians 5 to “rejoice always, pray continually, [and] give thanks in all circumstances.” That’s pretty clear. And in a time where there is so much happening in the world – both good and bad, exciting and scary, delightful and difficult – it is our responsibility to take responsibility. From my understanding of the Gospel, we are called to set the example. The example of sharing love, the example of extending grace, and, yes, the example of choosing joy. I am not suggesting that this is an easy task. On the contrary, I fully believe this to be difficult and even over our heads as human beings. But it’s in those spaces that God does the most amazing things. Just as I tell my youth group every week, sometimes the right thing is not the easy thing, but that’s why faith makes the difference.

So I challenge you, just as I challenge myself this season. Choose joy. Be a kid again. And in the times where you feel like you don’t have any more to give, let go and invite God to take over. But be prepared, because big things may just happen. Merry Christmas!

This weekend has been full of processing for me. Whether it is good or bad (I’m still undecided), yesterday was full of promise and freedom as I had one minor commitment for the whole day. For anyone reading this that even remotely knows me, that is a recipe for disaster. I always need something to do, something to  keep me busy. And thus, my brain was running all day. Upon discernment throughout the day today, I resolved that I may as well write some of these life-altering thoughts down by the pure chance that one or two individuals may actually read this. So here goes.

This time of year is typically filled with thoughts of thankfulness. And in the midst of one of the most challenging semesters I have encountered yet, I think I’ve been slacking on the tangible praises for the many, many blessings I have in my life. Some are easy and quite immediate, like my family, my education, my job, my health. Others are more obscure, like my opportunity to perform in last week’s band concert at Furman, the completion of the first draft of our business block group project (20,000 words in 54 pages to give you a hint of the effort applied), and yes, I’m even thankful for all of the challenges and difficulties this semester has brought me. I realized in my pondering yesterday that I am, of course, thankful on a basic level of simply having these blessings in my life. But there’s much more to it. These things, good and bad, make me who I am. The quandaries I’ve faced build character and strength and faith. The privileges I’ve had provide me a particular perspective on life that makes me inquisitive and experienced and courageous. So as I enter into the typical quarter life crisis of turning 20 and wondering what I’m really doing with my life and how I got here and where the heck I’m going, I realize there is a lot more to say about gratitude than one simple sentence at a round the table prayer one day a year.

In my reflection upon gratitude, I was stopped in my tracks to praise God for a more recent blessing. This past week I found out I have selected to go on a travel writing course through Cuba for 3.5 weeks next May. After pouring hours of intense vulnerability into applications, I was incredibly scared no program would care enough to accept me and take me around the world with its class. Yet again, God pulled the perfect timing He always does and showed me an opportunity of which I never dreamed. So as I begin to fill out mounds of paperwork and discern what questions I am supposed to be asking in preparation for this life-changing trip, I just have to stop and rest in the stillness and greatness of God. God is doing something huge, and once again I am beyond blessed to be just a small part of it.

As I prepared and attempted to consolidate my thoughts in the car on my way to Pelham Road’s church-wide Thanksgiving meal, I thought I had completed what I was going to say, starting with gratitude and ending with Cuba. Silly me for thinking I had a concrete idea. I sat down at a table with a few folks from church I normally don’t get to spend extended time with, in an effort to branch out and get to know the congregation better. Right as I was sitting down with my plate of ham, macaroni and cheese, and green beans, 3 lovely folks from Upstate Christian Singles group joined us. Excited enough about the prospect of new friends, we began conversation about where we are in life and how God is working through the opportunities He so particularly has placed in our lives. Who would’ve thought that such a variety of folks could tell such a variety of stories that all break down to one simple concept: God is so good? And that, my friends, is the biggest blessing of all this Thanksgiving.

So I challenge you just as I challenge myself this holiday season to think deeper about who you are and whose you are (to quote an old friend). And maybe, just maybe, you’ll get to see something remarkably beautiful that has been there, or will be coming soon, to positively and wonderfully change your life. Peace and blessings.

I would venture to say that I am a person who loves exploring. I get immense joy of driving in head first in order to have a better understanding of my world as well as the worlds of those around me. So when I took my EVM internship this year, I thought it was sort of in the same realm. I combined my job as youth pastor at Pelham Road Baptist Church with my internship as an administrative observer. I figured this experience would be similar to the other times I have shadowed pastors and churches. And just like most times that we think we know even a small part of God’s plan, He proved me entirely wrong. With my internship, I get to sit in on staff meetings, plan congregational events, build relationships, create budgets, and, oh yeah, preach in January. Talk about learning WAY more than I ever anticipated.

With all of this newly gained and unexpected knowledge, I am overwhelmed with both excitement as well as fear. Okay, mostly fear. I have known my calling into ministry since 8^th grade, which some people think is awesome, but I think it’s just plain scary. The pressure of knowing what you’re supposed to be, but not how to get there or how to do it well when you finally arrive is mind-blowing. It feels like your professor tells you the first day of class that you will have a test. In your mind, you know that test is most likely just a test of your knowledge and not really an assessment of what you have learned so far since you haven’t learned anything yet. But in that process, you also scramble to study or ask questions or do something to better your chances of your perception in your professor’s eyes. The more I type that, the more it feels alarmingly accurate. Life is a constant test of what you have to offer, what you can bring to the table, and how pleasant you can be in the process. When in reality, your professor (God) just wants to learn how to best teach you from where you currently stand. And that’s where the excitement piece comes in to play. How cool is it that I get these opportunities? How gracious is it that God has been slowly showing me who I’m called to be over the last 7 years and continues to teach me about my own self? And how amazing is it that I get to actually enjoy the journey of getting there?

I have no clue where I will end up. I’m sure I haven’t even come close to processing all that I have learned through my internship so far. But I do know that I’m learning how to be myself (even in the times that I feel like I don’t know who I am). And that is probably one of the coolest things ever. So just when you feel like you’re overwhelmed with experiences or you have zero clue about what your next steps will be or you’re feeling pressure from too many extraneous sources, remember these 3 things:

• Every one (and I mean everyone) is just as clueless about what they’re doing. The sooner you admit that, the sooner you get to have some really awesome people figuring out life alongside you.
• Pray through your uncertainty. I’ve learned that God is an excellent listener. That great kind of listener who lets you process everything out loud until you finally have at least some peace about where you are (like Maria!). But in all seriousness, I do believe that we were not created to suffer unnecessarily by holding onto our burdens completely on our own. Try giving some of that up every once and a while.
• And finally, learn to breathe. It’s way too easy to get stressed or compete for busyness or just plain be miserable because it’s still cold and rainy outside. But we hold the power of our own attitude, and that can make worlds of difference. Especially in this transformative time in our lives.

I seem to have the worst luck. Let me explain. I am a firm believer in taking care of my things. I clean my room. I floss my teeth. I dry-clean my clothes. And I do my best to keep the best care of my vehicle. However, sometimes all of my good intentions don’t seem to pay off. I get frustrated by the effort I put in and what little result I see in return. While this could apply to a number of things for me right now, most of this thought process is spurred by recent car trouble. Don’t get me wrong, I know that I am incredibly blessed to have a car and can afford to keep it running. But it always seems to fall apart at the most inconvenient of times. Like the week after I arrived in Fort Lauderdale this summer and my air conditioning quit. Or when my routine oil check turned into a belt replacement. Or like yesterday when my easy evaluation of the check engine soon light turned into a multi-day event. Needless to say, car trouble is always inconvenient and always expensive. So as I sit here this evening having completed my homework for the day, I am trying to process what this could teach me.

1. Patience: a much needed quality that is extremely hard to learn. It is especially apparent through times like these that patience is not a virtue that I would say I have. But God knows me better than I know myself, and He knows exactly what I need before I realize it. Especially in a time of schedule planning and mid-semester stress, patience is the perfect tool to bring a calm heart and mind.
2. Perspective: for the times we get too caught up in ourselves. That belt that needed to be replaced could’ve broken as I was driving back to school and caused an accident on the highway. The current issue with my car could’ve resulted in being stranded far away from safety. There are way worse things that could’ve occurred. A step back is almost always beneficial.
3. Realizing what you have: because too often we forget. Yes I have a car. I also have friends who offer to pick me up, family connections in the area to recommend decent car mechanics, and flexibility to schedule in these last minute changes. While this situation was inconvenient, there is much that could have made this worse or impossible.

We have a lot of nice things in life. And there is plenty that gets in the way of realizing this truth. Unfortunately, it’s up to us to have the courage and the strength to choose the positive attitude about whatever comes our way. And while that’s not easy, it is most definitely worth it. So take a deep breath and relish in the undercover blessings God continues to put in our lives to save us from ourselves. Oh, and take care of your things.

Yesterday, I sat in the rain, soaking wet, for more than 4 hours for a Furman football game. For now, just keep that in the back of your mind.

Today, I had the honor of witnessing one of my dearest friends get baptized. Having known Kendall since freshman year of college (knowing her VERY well because we were roommates), this was a very big deal. She, by far, has the greatest amount of faith, the best discipline for listening to and following God’s call, and the most loving heart of nearly anyone I know.  Though the entire time we have been friends her life has been nothing but a profession of faith, today was something totally different.  Today was not about us. God was in that place. God was in that water. God was in that heart. And there is absolutely no denying it. As I stood next to that pool and watched one of my most cherished friends go down in the water and come back up completely renewed, I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed with emotion.  For anyone who knows me, they have to know that is a pretty big deal. Eyes welling up with tears and heart bursting with joy, my mind raced. This is exactly what I am called to do. As scary/exciting/disquieting/hope-filled as it may be, I know that is what God is calling me to do with my life and my profession. And even though I have no idea how I will get there or how I will actually be used, I’m learning more and more every day that it’s not about my plan of how it will all happen. Thank goodness. But more importantly, I believe this is exactly what we are ALL called to do in our own way. Love people so much that we can’t help but become new people in Jesus Christ. It shouldn’t be that complicated, right?

As I mentioned earlier, yesterday I sat in the rain, soaking wet, for more than 4 hours for a Furman football game. My thoughts about that water were not the same thoughts I had about water today. Yesterday, I was consumed with my obligation to be at the game, my schedule after the game, and my expectation of what those uniforms will smell like for next week’s game. And I feel like that’s unfortunately common. We have so many reminders surrounding us of the things in life that truly matter (like the gift of baptism), but we constantly ignore them.  We choose to be overcome by the attitude of misery we put on ourselves. Yet when I was wet from a hug from Kendall after her baptism this evening, I wasn’t concerned with anything else. I was far from miserable. I was remembering my own baptism and confirmation from sophomore year of high school. I was remembering the countless the pillow talks Kendall and I had as we processed life and faith and all of that during freshman year of college together. I was remembering why I am so passionate about my call to ministry. Why is this not more prevalent in our lives? You would think the profession of literally the biggest and best blessing of all time would mean just a little more to us, myself included.

So as I reflect on that fact that my 20th birthday is tomorrow, I am nothing but thankful. I am thankful to have been a witness to a beautiful baptism today. I am thankful to get stuck in the rain sometimes. I am thankful for Furman and all of the wonderful opportunities it has provided for me. I am thankful for my job at Pelham Road Baptist Church and the fact that they love me even though I frequently have no clue what I’m doing. I am thankful for a family that tries their best to understand me and love me despite my flaws. I am thankful for multitudes of friends that constantly surround me with love and support. And more than anything, I am thankful to be washed by the water. Because without Him, we’re just a bunch of soaking wet teenagers with incredibly limited perspective.