Half and Half

I would venture to say that this summer brought a lot of definition to the truths I have always felt in my life.  Some are positive like the importance of community and the benefit of strong individuals present in your life.  And some are more difficult to process like the concept of brokenness and the struggle of taking care of yourself. But it was last night that the epiphany really struck me.  I am really only halfway there (and most definitely living on a prayer). I now have the head knowledge of the brokenness of being human.  I have the head knowledge of the need for God in our lives.  I have the head knowledge of the desire to be close to our Heavenly Father and do everything in our power to know Him.  But I am missing the comprehension of the heart.  While I understand many things at this point, I am not quite to the place where I really feel the power of what Jesus has done for me.  It may sound redundant of everything you’ve ever heard in life, but He died on the cross for me.  I am wiped clean because my God desires the utmost righteousness for my life. I am not enough on my own, but because of Jesus, I am enough for God. I shared my testimony for the first time in my life last night.  And I was terrified to do it.  I had mixed emotions of feeling like my story wasn’t important enough to be shared in combination with the fear that everyone would bolt the second that they learned that my life isn’t perfect.  And though I knew that was completely irrational, it still didn’t stop me from feeling that way until I tucked my tail between my legs and just let God talk through me about my own life.  Once again, I had the head knowledge but not the understanding in my heart.  I am thankful that God put me here in this particular place with this specific people this summer because that never would have happened otherwise. The inspiration of 20 people living around me for these 9 weeks in Florida this summer is simply impeccable.  I feel comfortable enough to admit where I’m at and the fact that I may not always be okay.  I feel motivated to go through life with people rather than just around them.  Coming down here, I knew that God was going to work in my life.  I expected to become more flexible, more incited about ministry, and maybe even more driven to know the Lord.  But once again, I am so glad that my life is centered around God’s plan and not my own because this summer is so much more than I ever could have imagined.  I may only be halfway there, but I am on my way and that is a perfect start for me right now.

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