Christian. Woman. Daughter. Sister. Friend. Student. Employee. Musician. Writer. Thinker. Question-asker.
These are a few ways in which I identify. These are pieces of me that are important enough to shape me or shape my schedule. Though recently, these have not been the first words that I use to describe myself. Exhausted. Distracted. Fragmented. In-between. Unfortunately, these words have taken over more of me than I would like. I fully acknowledge my own agency in feeling these ways and using these ways to characterize myself, but some days your fatigue takes over – and there have been more of those days than others recently.
The last few months have been an incredible journey of questioning. For those of you who know me, you know I ask questions all the time. And I ask a lot of them. So for me to qualify this season of life with the word “questioning,” you know it’s been pretty intense. I knew something big like this was coming when God put the word “pursue” on my heart for the year 2018, but I had NO IDEA this is what God had in mind. In the midst of it being pure craziness and completely life-altering, it has been absolutely amazing. I know more about myself, I feel more affirmed, and I am closer to God than I ever have been before in all of my life. At the same time, I have learned that with great affirmation and excitement comes great exhaustion. Re-insert words here from above like distracted, fragmented, and even unsure and overwhelmed. All of this back and forth along with excitement and confusion and everything in between brings a certain kind of wrestling that leaves you like Jacob: limping away from an intense encounter with God, sore but somehow slightly justified from your pursuits, trying to heal enough to keep moving for tomorrow.
It’s this illustration that inspires me to write today. Not to tell you that I am tired, because you can figure that out from the additional redness in my eyes and the growing count of gray hairs on my head. Rather I want to declare that I, too, will not let God go. I will not let tiredness or doubt or imposter syndrome or anything else take over my identity. I am called to serve in love the God who created the universe. End of story. I will wrestle with that calling and that love no matter the other battles or distractions happening. I will not let it go because it is fully and completely who I am.
God, I pray you will sustain me and lead me in my wrestling. Remind me that your loving arms are wrapped around me even when I can’t feel them or understand why they’re there. My identity and my life lies with you, and for that I am eternally grateful. In praise and honor and service, amen.
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