Every once and a while the series of lesson plans I make for my youth kids were actually meant for me, and they just get to listen.  And when I say every once and a while, I mean basically all the time.  So this summer when I planned a 6 week series on doubt, I just thought it would be something cool and different to do in the youth setting.  I had no idea God was going to use it to completely scatter all of my focus and challenge me to name where I really am in life right now.  When I actually write that down, it seems dramatic. I wish I could say that was untrue. While I lay awake last night at 3:20 am, here a just a piece of what began to run through my head. I doubt that I will enter a new decade in 2 weeks. But in exactly 16 days, I turn 20. Though there are no major life accomplishments that accompany this particular birthday, it still continues to blow my mind.  I feel like it was yesterday that I was making omelets in my 4th grade class. Or running every morning the summer before 7th grade in hopes of making the middle school volleyball and basketball teams. Or putting marching band bibbers on for the first time.  Or giving my speech at high school baccalaureate and graduation. Or moving into college.  While all of that feels so close that I could touch it, my conversations now consist of debates on where I will attend grad school and how I plan to use the last of my time at Furman.  I just got here; how can I be leaving already? I don’t feel like I should be getting older and becoming an adult, and yet it continues to happen every single day. And as I continued to lay there this morning, I realized that I am about to teach a lesson to middle and high school kids that I don’t fully understand myself. My questions of “what good can come from doubt?” and “what control do we have over the attitude we create towards life?” were meant way more for me than they were for them. 16+ hours later and I’m still pondering the dubiousness of where I am. The reassurance I continue to cling to is that my job as the youth pastor to these kids/young adults is not to lead them through the vast and extensive knowledge that I possess (or pretend to), but rather to do life WITH them. Because in essence, we’re all just as lost in doubt as the fellow Christian/friend/classmate/relative/human beside us.

Friday and Saturday of this weekend sponsored our annual EVM Fall Retreat. Of course, this was destined to be an event of excitement because I truly love EVM. But I had no idea what God was planning to do.  The topics of discussion were similar to years past and what I thought was fairly predictable.  Love God, love neighbor, and love self. Easy, right? The doubt I had before was merely an ice cube compared to the iceberg that was ahead. After pushing through defining prejudice and how we live with that (because that’s a light-hearted way to begin), we pressed on the concept of loving yourself. What does that look like? Why do we struggle significantly more with this part? How can we love others like we’re called to do in the Gospels if we can’t truly love ourselves? This hit me like a ton of bricks.  And from there, we persisted. Each individual (all 28 of us) was given an index card. We had to write the lie of a phrase we most often tell ourselves when we struggle to love ourselves. The index cards were then folded in half and handed to Maria. Anonymously, each one was read aloud. “I’m socially awkward,” and “I’m ugly,” and “I am not good enough” rang through the dead silent room. The emotion was tangible. The unique part was the reaction that followed.  Our responses immediately rang “that’s not true” and “I wish I could do more to encourage and uplift the people who feel this way.” And that’s when Maria brought it home. She asked, “how many of you would be friends with a person who talked to you the way you talk to yourself?” Mic drop. Heart skip. Deer in the headlights stare. And it’s that kind of slap in the face that proves doubt has potential. Doubt causes us to question, to challenge, to reach out. You would never stand for another person to talk to you like that. You would never let your best friend neglect health and safety and purpose in their life just for the sake of a lie. Moreover, that is exactly what it is; a lie. Those words are never true. So just as we took those index cards to the bonfire and lit them up for the worthless trash that they are, we should all use our doubt to ignite something better, something brighter within ourselves.

The last 3 weeks have been full of sweat, sunscreen, marching band drill, and a ton of high schoolers.  It sounds like a ridiculous way to spend the last few weeks of summer break. But I wouldn’t trade these moments for anything. I have worked on staff for high school band camps the last 3 years, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  There is something truly remarkable about starting from kids who have no clue what this activity is and what it could mean, and ending a few weeks later with a driven, improved, drastically changed group (and a good amount of awkward tan lines). I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t always have the biggest role in this transformation.  Sometimes I’m just the nearest adult dealing with fake illnesses or sassy remarks.  But just the chance to be around these kids, on their level, learning as they learn, and growing as they grow can truly change your heart.

Because I had the pleasure of working for my Alma mater, I decided to sit down with the students and have a life chat.  I felt like it was important to take a break from the set-to-sets and endless busting of chops to really discuss what this commitment means.  I told them about my time in high school band, about the transformation from 2009’s “This is Halloween” to 2012’s “Concerto,” about the importance of pursuing this passion into college.  And as I was speaking, I realized I was talking more to myself than I was to them.  The conversation turned from my personal experience with this activity to what marching band truly stands for.  This undertaking is a huge part of who I am, and has genuinely shaped how I got to where I am today. This activity is so much more than playing music and walking around on a field. And it’s your job to figure out what that means to you.  Every year is different.  Every year is another opportunity to dedicate your heart to the outcome of that season. Every year is a chance to become better – a better musician, a better marcher, a better member, a better leader, a better person. And it’s all up to you.

So I told them exactly what Dr. Hicken tells us every year at Furman, “make this band better than how you found it.” As an alum, I have made my contribution. And I didn’t come back to work for them to address all that I left undone 3 years ago.  I came back to empower those students to take charge and take ownership of the program that is now theirs.  And as I head back to school on Sunday to start my own band camp at Furman and to begin my junior year of college (SCARY), I realize that I have grown to be a part of Furman’s band and Furman’s campus just as much as I did in high school.  It’s my turn to contribute and pour into the Furman community. If anything, I wasn’t telling the high school students about life and marching band. I was being told to make my mark.

I struggle to write this today not because I don’t have anything to say, but because I have too much to say. Unfortunately, this was my last week at Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church.  I leave on Monday. In reflection upon all that I learned, I cannot help but be overjoyed about my entire experience.  I am overjoyed that my university cares so deeply about my pursuit of my passion that they are willing to pay me additional stipends and carefully read my reflections on my growth each week. I am overjoyed that this summer was nearly everything opposite of what I expected, and I discovered Jesus in a whole new way because of it. I am overjoyed to have learned powerful tools of ministry design, which can overflow into so many facets of my life. I am overjoyed to have 24 new friends who live all across the country and already plan reunions before we even leave each other.  I am overjoyed to have so much energy and excitement and vision coming from my experience here for the upcoming school year, for my part time job as a youth pastor, for my graduate school plans, and just for the future that God has planned for me. I have no intention of being super “churchy,” but it is impossible for me to talk about my life and my summer without everything being centered on God.  I am incredibly saddened to be leaving, but my enthusiasm to go forth and use all that I have used this summer is far greater.

I will attempt to summarize all that I learned this summer here, even though I’m sure I will forget parts.  Cultivate class allowed me to see and experience new ways of thinking.  The whole concept of divergent thinking was difficult for me because I am all about moving on and getting things done, rather than investing time in brainstorming.  I feel well equipped to conquer a larger multitude of problems in both ministry and life because of this experience. Spiritual Formation was slightly disjointed in my opinion, simply because of the crazy schedule, but I still got to learn about validating people’s passions.  Though Adam could be dry and somewhat disengaging at times, he is very clearly animated about theology and its application to our lives.  Even listening to other interns like David and John and Kathy, that particular content was important to them and thus that part of our schedule is vital to getting the most out of the internship. Avondale was definitely a challenge for me.  Not only was this my first hands-on experience in a low-income community, but also children are not always my specialty.  I found it difficult to truly find my place and my role in our time at Avondale, which surprisingly still taught me a lesson.  There are points in life (probably way more than we would like) that you are pushed out of your comfort zone with little to no information on your job there.  That doesn’t mean that God’s not working.  That doesn’t mean that you get to just check out and wait for a better activity to invest in. And that definitely doesn’t mean that you aren’t contributing by trying your best in every situation.  Ema was also an eye-opening opportunity for me. Working with Charlee to just canvas in the Avondale community and speak life and affirmation into these young mothers was simply beautiful.  It was heartbreaking at times to see the vicious cycle presented in that particular type of community, but it was uplifting to see God at work there, fighting against every tendency of the world to tell them that they are not important. My role as QLC and project completion associated with that was a huge source of growth for me.  I’ve always known that I am a huge details person, but this summer was a totally new experience.  Having all details on my shoulders full time was a refreshing and humbling experience.  Working in this department also opened my eyes to the places in ministry where I can best serve.  Knowing that there will be time after seminary, before ordination and before I can step into a “big girl” pastor job, it is affirming to know that my personality traits and specific skills can still be used for the betterment of His kingdom. Out of all areas of the entire internship, debrief/housing was the biggest source of joy and growth for the summer.  Learning to share, learning to listen, learning to let go, learning to invest, and learning to not be in control are just a few of the things that come to mind.  In complete honesty, I am a hard person to get to know.  However, this summer I have made friends that know me and love me and check on me and support me, which is worth more than anyone could ever know. All in all, this summer brought challenges, questions, change, lifetime connections, and ultimately a closeness to God that can never be taken away.

The last words I will say are probably most important to me (hopefully someone made it all the way to the bottom). Our last breakout activity from last night was one of the most heartwarming, most encouraging, and most beautiful things I have experienced in my life.  It’s called an affirmation circle. Every person gets a candle. You start with one person, who lights the candle of a friend in the circle and just speaks about the impact they had this summer and the beauty that makes up their life. After everyone else who has something to say has said it, the person with the newly lit candle lights another person’s wick and so on. Honestly, I could have not even had a candle and this still would have been the most influential activity of the summer for me.  Of all the mental pictures I have taken of this summer (both because I’m bad at remembering to take real pictures and I believe that mental pictures are significantly more meaningful), last night will remain forever imprinted in my mind.  My candle was lit last night.  My candle has been lit all summer long.  My candle will continue to burn so brightly that it cannot help but light up every single room.  All because I believe in a God who lights up rooms.  I believe in a God who gives us the gift of relationships on deeper levels so that we can have enough fire to light the next friend’s wick. I believe in a God who sustains us and reminds us of the light inside us when we feel like darkness is the only thing around.  Now the challenge is to continue to push ourselves outside of what we believe we can do, to use every single bit of this knowledge for His good, to love people as we are called to love them, and to light the candles of those around us so that the world could shine brighter for our Heavenly Father.

I was reading in “More Than His God Card” this week about the miracle of sharing.  Brian Onken was writing on the miracle when Jesus was on the way to save a man’s dying daughter and stops to heal a woman who had a hemorrhage for twelve years before continuing to raise the man’s daughter from the dead.  Onken basically went into describing why Jesus stopped. Completely summarizing (and probably butchering this), he said that Jesus knew the woman would not be completely healed until Jesus listened to her story.  After she touched Jesus’ robe, she was healed of the hemorrhage.  But Jesus knew that by staying a few extra minutes to hear about her suffering and to validate all that she went through to be healed, she would be healed in a completely new and transformative way.  This really sparked an appreciation in my mind.  This summer has brought me so many new friends.  While we were basically forced to be friends because we live in such tight quarters and we work together 7+ hours a day, our connection is much deeper than “this coworker I met one summer in Florida.” These people genuinely care about me and invest in me and listen to me. Just like the homeless friends I wrote about last week, so many people in this world just want to be heard, including myself.

One of the most special and memorable parts of this entire summer is fireside chats. Disclaimer: there is no actual fire because it is way too hot in Florida.  These fireside chats consist of high quality friends sitting outside until the early hours of the morning figuring out life together. These chats began with Jackie giving me space to process my initial move down here.  Just to know that anyone cared enough to ask about me, who I am, and where God is challenging me meant the world.  Then it grew to Brittany joining us.  And then Beyonce (who’s real name is Alena) came, too.  So many people just being real about life and where we are.  This past Tuesday was a pivotal conversation.  Brittany and Beyonce met me outside for more than 2 hours.  The discussion began with the sadness of leaving Fort Lauderdale in 2 weeks, transformed into how we personally experience God and what the cross means to us, and ended in prayer so specific to each of us present that you couldn’t help but feel a tingle in your bones.  How amazing?!

I’ve always known that listening is important.  As the youngest child, you have no choice a lot of times but to listen because the older siblings have such strong personalities (and I love you for that, Natalie and Nathan). But reading about the intentionality of Jesus’ listening totally rocked my world.  Life is not just about complaining.  Life is not just about putting on a fake face and pretending to be okay. Life is about listening to God and seeing what He has planned for you. Personally, it’s through listening that I learn the most. What other people have to say and the way that they say it have so much potential to speak to us not only about our dear friends, but also about our Heavenly Father. So my challenge this week for myself that I will share with you is the challenge to shut your own mouth and let God speak to you. Just listen.

My inspiration for this week’s blog started at lunch on Wednesday.  We had to pack some backpacks for some underprivileged children during our lunch so the church bought us pizza.  A very nice gesture.  By the time the interns rolled in, people began to chow down.  Granted, it makes sense because we were all hungry after running around outside with small children for 3 hours. Observing all of this, I couldn’t help but take note of a few things.  Some people took more than they were asked to have.  Some people ate when the food was not for them.  Some people put pieces back because it wasn’t to their exact liking. It sounds trivial really, but the meaning behind it really stuck with me.

Then the really kicker came.  The church was hosting a barbecue dinner for the homeless population here in Fort Lauderdale.  We had more than 50 homeless friends come out and express such gratitude for our willingness to provide food and fellowship for them. I met so many people who are homeless who just wanted to be seen as a human being.  It only took asking “where are you from?” for them to light up.  In addition, I had the pleasure of playing trombone as well as playing guitar and singing for the event.  And the looks on their faces gave me more delight than I’ve felt in years of playing music. To think that so commonly just drive passed them on the street or ignore eye contact when walking by when they have so much to offer to us.  We typically see those who are less fortunate as in need of our assistance.  Mission trips, homeless ministries, low-income community children; they have just as much to offer to us as we could ever hope to provide for them.

Why is that a thing? Why do we have to have little to nothing in order to appreciate generosity?  Why would we ever feel entitled to kindness? Why would we not do more to fix this? As God is breaking my heart this summer in my own life and the lives of others, I am finding more and more how imperative it is for us to learn to love.  Learn to love God, learn to love our neighbor, learn to love ourselves.  So often we want to progress from being a student to being the teacher when we aren’t even close to knowing anything at all.  I don’t know about you, but I’m going to change my ways.  I am going to be a lifetime student, and that is totally okay with me.

I would venture to say that this summer brought a lot of definition to the truths I have always felt in my life.  Some are positive like the importance of community and the benefit of strong individuals present in your life.  And some are more difficult to process like the concept of brokenness and the struggle of taking care of yourself. But it was last night that the epiphany really struck me.  I am really only halfway there (and most definitely living on a prayer). I now have the head knowledge of the brokenness of being human.  I have the head knowledge of the need for God in our lives.  I have the head knowledge of the desire to be close to our Heavenly Father and do everything in our power to know Him.  But I am missing the comprehension of the heart.  While I understand many things at this point, I am not quite to the place where I really feel the power of what Jesus has done for me.  It may sound redundant of everything you’ve ever heard in life, but He died on the cross for me.  I am wiped clean because my God desires the utmost righteousness for my life. I am not enough on my own, but because of Jesus, I am enough for God. I shared my testimony for the first time in my life last night.  And I was terrified to do it.  I had mixed emotions of feeling like my story wasn’t important enough to be shared in combination with the fear that everyone would bolt the second that they learned that my life isn’t perfect.  And though I knew that was completely irrational, it still didn’t stop me from feeling that way until I tucked my tail between my legs and just let God talk through me about my own life.  Once again, I had the head knowledge but not the understanding in my heart.  I am thankful that God put me here in this particular place with this specific people this summer because that never would have happened otherwise. The inspiration of 20 people living around me for these 9 weeks in Florida this summer is simply impeccable.  I feel comfortable enough to admit where I’m at and the fact that I may not always be okay.  I feel motivated to go through life with people rather than just around them.  Coming down here, I knew that God was going to work in my life.  I expected to become more flexible, more incited about ministry, and maybe even more driven to know the Lord.  But once again, I am so glad that my life is centered around God’s plan and not my own because this summer is so much more than I ever could have imagined.  I may only be halfway there, but I am on my way and that is a perfect start for me right now.

To say this week was difficult would be an understatement.  With the announcement of the resignation Coral Ridge’s senior pastor, everyone was left in a state of disbelief.  Why did this happen? How was it not seen coming? What does this mean for the institution of the church? What does this mean for the institution of marriage? How can I trust again? A lot of questions and nearly no answers.  So it is through this process that I learned this week.  I learned that I understand a basic concept in the meaning of life.  God has a plan; and I am so thankful for that because my plans suck in comparison. God is definitely in control; and I am so thankful for that because I would just screw things up if I was really in control.  God’s grace is enough; so as much as we fail, we are eternally covered. But, unfortunately for someone logically minded like myself, I still have a lot of questions.  How do you know what steps you take in the mean time? How do you learn how God speaks to you? What do you do when you know there is no action to be taken for your frustration, but you’re still deeply hurt?

Sadly, this is still the transient stage I am in.  I walk away this week with a lot of questions and a lot of frustration. I wish I could say that I am more inclined to be open and share my struggles.  I wish I could say I’ve been given encouraging words to help the interns around me whom I love immensely and whom are also wrestling with difficulty. I wish I could say I’ve even kept myself together this week.  But I cannot.  And therefore, I am forced yet again to be reminded: it’s okay to abide outside of my comfort zone and I just have to trust God. Words that I have repeated again and again this week specifically.  Words that don’t mean much when a close intern friend goes home or when celebrity pastors’ brokenness gets splashed on national news or when your job just seems like more than you can handle. But words that sum up exactly where I want my heart to be. In the powerful words of Ben Rector, “I don’t have answers, and neither do you.” And the best part is that it is through our brokenness that God does some of His best work.  And we have hope in that.  All of our hope is in that.

Another week of learning, growing, and building relationships with truly incredible people has passed.  I am blown away by the change in my own heart.  I had two life-altering experiences this week that I just have to share.  The first was our time in the Avondale community,  a local low-income neighborhood full of children who desperately need to experience the love and grace of Jesus.  Starting this week, we are volunteering with a summer camp in the park inside of the neighborhood. It was hot and sweaty and fairly dirty.  But it really didn’t matter to us or the kids.  We just wanted to have a good time and play basketball or make crafts together.  Though it was only 2 mornings this week, I could actually see a direct change.  Kids that came in not speaking not even smiling walked away yesterday afternoon talking their siblings’ ears off.  Interns that don’t typically bond well with children were suddenly contemplating their original decision of not wanting kids themselves.  The visual difference of just 2 days is remarkable.  I am so excited to see what the next few weeks have to hold.

My other experience this week was very much a personal awakening.  I realized how I’ve let my personality become an excuse to be more distant from people.  I’m sure it’s fairly evident that I am pretty terrible about openly sharing what is really going on in my life.  And honestly, normal life is easy to just say that this mentality is perfectly acceptable for typical function.  But since coming to Fort Lauderdale and doing life with 23 other people, I’ve realized that this mentality is the farthest thing from acceptable. You can survive by bottling up anything resembling a feeling.  You can survive by running yourself into the ground with work. But just surviving is not really living.  God intended for us to do life together – “My goal is that they may be encouraged in love, so they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ” Colossians 2:2. And it wasn’t until I felt God pull on my heart to share some of the struggles I’ve been having through the internship that I truly felt my heart change.  The friends I was talking to didn’t have to say much of anything in return to me pouring out my feelings.  God was just there.  Yet again, my heart was broken so that God could find His way in.  I never knew that I was missing anything.  And that’s why I will throw out any plan I could imagine in order to accept God’s.

I know that my blogs are probably disjointed and dramatic.  God is changing so much for me this summer. Any breaking of my heart is now encouraged because His healing process is so renewing. To say that I am excited to see what the next 5 weeks continue to hold is most definitely an understatement!  Know that I am continuing to pray for you and God’s work in your life this summer.

Now that we’re 3 weeks into things, many of the “honeymoon” moments of just arriving to this internship (living in a house with 20 people, staying up late and getting up early, figuring out how to park 9 cars in the driveway, neglecting budget for experience, and having deep conversations about life and faith for majority of the day) have passed. You never truly realize the impact that constantly living around 19 other people has, until all of a sudden you’re so tired you almost fall asleep during dessert with your sister at 9:30 pm.  Personal phone calls, quiet reading time, and sleeping in (in theory of course because that never really happens for me) have no place in our house. But the situation struck me the best when one person was giving her testimony at breakout on Thursday.  She said her faith started to make sense to her when she could remind herself that “you’re not in control, and that’s okay.” Knowing the stubborn person that I can be, I listened intently but without intent.  I didn’t think that her statement applied to me.  Silly me.

Example 1: With VBS this week, everyone was on edge.  There were countless hours of preparation for decorations and schedules and such, but the second those 250+ kids showed up, none of that preparation seemed to matter.  We had too many volunteers (who knew that was a thing) and way too sugary of snacks. It was a nightmare.  So the logical side of me was fairly negative in thinking that those 3 hours every morning this week could’ve been used so much more efficiently.  BUT “I’m not in control, and that’s okay.” God took advantage of an opportunity to teach me patience and stillness.

Example 2: Another intern’s testimony on Thursday night really struck me as well in a different way.  He talked about his prayer life.  Not at all in a prided way, but he spoke about how he prayed for years for various things in his life that were important for him. He prayed for 2 years for his brother to get to know Christ. He prayed for a year for his parents’ marriage to be reconciled.  And not that it was easy, especially when you typically can’t see God’s handiwork in the background, but he saw God come through.  Of course in my head, I loved to believe that I do the same thing.  Just like the phrase “you’re not in control, and that’s okay” didn’t apply to me.  Yeah right. When I really sit down and think about my prayer life, I’m about as patient as a little kid who knows his Hotwheels car is in the cart at the store, but his mom has to finish buying groceries before he can play with it.  And that’s fairly uncool. It’s not that I deliberately think that I am in control of my life and I don’t need God’s help.  But it’s almost like my actions say that.  If I don’t care enough about a situation or a friend or anything enough to pray about it constantly everyday no matter what change I can see (in my own blind vision), then I need to be reminded that “I’m not in control, and that’s okay.”

Example 3: When contemplating seminary and denominational ordination and my future career path, my thought process is almost completely focused on logic.  Where can I go that’s cost effective? Where can I go to get a balance of academic and practical ministry? Which denomination has the best job security? Which region of the country has the best growing ground for churches? And those questions aren’t completely irrational.  Except that maybe they’re too rational.  There’s a point in life where you have to realize that you could plan every second of every minute of the rest of your life, and the moment that your first planned second passes and it’s not what you planned, every other thing you planned is out the window.  It is not about my plan. And for the first time truly in my heart, I am starting to allow my actions to show my trust in God’s plan for me. Because “I’m not in control, and that’s okay.”

I may sleep in a room that’s 82 degrees because of a broken fan.  I may currently live in a house that has so many people we have our roommate meetings outside because we can’t all fit inside in one room.  I may have zero idea about where I’ll end up for seminary.  But none of that matters to me because it’s all part of God’s plan. His love for me is more than I could ever imagine to have for myself.  So why would anyone choose a life built on less love when there is SO much more to be offered? Pray, live, and remember that “we’re not in control, and that’s okay.”

I don’t feel like 2 weeks of my 9 weeks here in Florida should already be gone.  That whole “time flies when you’re having fun” thing is real and so sad because my time is passing by so quickly here! This week was full of tremendous growth for me.  I had a lot of projects (everything from VBS prep and some office decorating to meeting lunch hosts for this upcoming Sunday and purchasing supplies for upcoming events) and a lot of personal discernment.  The number of paper vines I made for VBS is actually ridiculous – my hands are still covered in paper cuts. This church definitely goes ALL out for this event.  People 15 feet in the air hanging decorations and other pitching tents in the larger meeting room to ensure the kids get the “campy” feel.  Even though it’s all going to come down next week when the kids leave, I know the kids’ reactions will make all of the ridiculous labor worth it.  Part of my “office design” project this week was to decorate a cork board in the corner of the room.  I thought it would be great fun to create a scorecard for all of the interns and keep up with points of cool things that everyone is doing.  It may or may not have been aimed to pick on my boss a little too because I have to have a little fun 😉 But it turned out to be an awesome investment to reward people, some without them even knowing, for all of the hard work they are doing.

All other adventures and activities aside, my favorite moment of the week was our intern devotion/breakout last night.  I’ve had my fair share of bible studies and Christian gatherings, but this was something completely different.  To be genuinely poured into and to be just a small part of these incredible people’s lives is such a cool experience.  We started by just checking in with everyone. Very honestly sharing our interpretations of the internship so far was both informative and exciting.  Then we had some worship time, which was much needed.  Just 20 people sitting outside together, eyes closed, heart open. And just when I didn’t think my heart could be any more full, we opened up time for testimonies.  In all honesty, I was a little scared about what this time would be like.  There are a lot of people I know that have these amazing stories of tragedy/sin/heartbreak where God showed up and totally rocked their world.  And frankly, my story is just not that special.  Or at least so I thought.  After my 2 new friends opened up their lives for all of us, I felt completely different.  As if God had broken my heart in a whole new way so that He could come in. I had the opportunity to realize and personally admit some of the difficulty/brokenness in my own life that I had originally conceded.  I wish I could have words that made more sense to truly put this experience into words. I feel like I finally had the chance to put this change I’ve been slowly encountering the last 6 years into a consolidated idea.  Even though it’s not really consolidated at all haha. It’s as if my prayer has changed from “God show up in my life” to “God, I totally see what you did there.” Life changing. Of course this all occurred less than 24 hours ago, so I still have quite a bit figuring out to do.  But I am on fire.  I am on fire for the call God has put on my heart.  I am on fire to chase the person that God is calling me to be.  I am on fire to make a difference in this world.  And most of all, I am on fire about just how amazing our God is.  His grace is enough.  His love is transforming.  His payment is more than we can comprehend. And the only thing we have to do is love Him and those around us in return.  I can do that.

So just when you think you have a plan or direction in life, don’t be too upset when God changes it.  I promise His plans are better than anything we could begin to imagine. God knew exactly what He was doing when He called me to Fort Lauderdale.  He knew exactly what He was doing when He brought the other 23 interns here, too.  It’s only been 2 weeks, and my life is changed forever.  I can’t wait to see what He has next.